Today I am posting some of Rodney Dangerfield's classic jokes. Enjoy!
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!